Annoying Hannibal Characters
by therisingharvestmoon
Summary: Warning; may cause laughter and extreme cannibalism.
1. Mason

**Disclaimer: Don't own, yadda yadda yar… This is a parody of the book/movie Hannibal. I think my writing's getting worse… lol. Okey-dokey, here we go…**

**How to Annoy Mason Verger**

**1. **After you've said something stupid, say "And don't you roll your _eye_ at me!"

**2. **Frequently bring up the movie _Face Off._

**3. **Tear into a chunk of steak in front of him.

**4. **Call him 'Chum'.

**5. **Say 'Boy am I glad they caught Hannibal Lecter before he could do some _serious _damage'.

**6. **If you are ever buying dog food, hold the can in front of your eyes, look at him, look back at the can and then exclaim in joy 'Oh my God it _is _you!'

**7. **Pout excessively.

**8. **Look at his eel, then back at him, give him an amazed look and then walk off shrugging.

**9. **Say loudly to your friend 'Gosh how I do love having sex!'

**10.** Tell your friend about the 'liquid lunch' you had, and then see him and say 'Oh…sorry'.

**11.** Mention the band 'Cannibal Corpse' constantly, then cringe and say 'sorry!', but don't stop.

**12.** Ask him to repeat you, after saying 'How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.'

**13.** When taking a photo of him for your 'school project', tell him to smile big and say 'CHEESE!'

**14.** Ask 'So _how _did you survive Jigsaw?'

**15.** Tell him he has a sort of Andrew Lloyd Webber quality you can't quite place.

**16.** Offer him a cookie.

**17.** Ask him to repeat himself. After every word.

**18.** Sing the song 'Look Good in Leather'.

**19.** And 'You're So Vain'.

**20.** Walk your Doberman's past him window every afternoon.

**21.** Get sunburn and state that you are 'peeling really badly'.

**22.** Sing the song 'Adel Vice' and "accidentally" sing 'Angel dust' to the same tune.

**23.** Play keepaway with his remote control/respirator.

**24.** After he says something, pretend you didn't hear him and say in a patronizing tone 'Yes great grandma, you eat all your food through a tube'.

**25.** Repeatedly play the line from Shrek 2 that says 'Sir, that's the dogs breakfast'.

**26. **If he was ever bold enough to ask how he looks, answer 'Good enough to eat'.

**27. **As you prepare his dinner for him, cut open the raw sausages, look from him to them and shake your head silently, smirking.

**28. **Make a document 'When Quadriplegics Attack' if he tries to kill you.

**29. **Put his picture on a dating website.

**30. **If you feel the urge to say 'taking candy from a baby' glare at him and say 'Which _some _people find difficult'.

**31. **When you play cards with him, tell him he doesn't have much of a poker face.

**32. **Put a stress ball in his non-working hand.

**33. **Tell him you know this great therapist in Florence...

**34. **Psychoanalyze him. Conclude that he is 'a little depressed' and 'may have a low self-image'.

**35. **Flush the toilet as he's taking a bath, without Cordell around.

**36. **Light his extremely long plait of hair on fire.

**37.** Ask if he has considered a plastic surgeon.

**38. **Say 'Oh, you dog.'

**39. **Tell him he's in serious need of a chap stick.

**40. **Remind him that he's the only Hannibal character with a hatelisting.

**41. **Point out that he never gets a romance in any fanfiction.

**42. **Ask if he has someone in his life.

**43. **Keeping in mind that Cordell does not count.

**44. **Or anyone under the age of six.

**45. **Watch Harry Potter with him. Constantly gasp when you see Voldemort, then stare at him for a while.

**46. **Leak the rumor that he used to dance on tables.

**47. **Enter him in the 2008 Miss Universe pageant.

**49. **Introduce your bestie as a cosmetic surgeon.

**50. **Use words like 'mongoloid', 'love' and 'boyfriend' around him.

**51. **Tell him you'd like to go out sometime. By yourself. In the sunshine.

**52. **Switch his lights on, and then off repetitively.

**53. **Insinuate you know more than he thinks about his relationship with his eel.

**54. **Befriend his sister.

**55. **Go out with his sister.

**56. **Make comments about how attractive his sister is.

**57. **State you would love to go _camp_ing on the weekend.

**58. **Set him up with an appointment with Dr. Phil. Get a front row seat in the audience and wave. Also, tell Dr Phil about your personal angst with Mason.

**59. **Add 'but who cares' to everything you say to him. Like 'They let the guy who made dog food out of your face escape and I'll bet he's having an awesome time, but who cares!'

**60. **Tell him Clarice Starling is usually a very nice warm person. Ask him what happened to her.

**61. **Tell him you think Hannibal is shaggolicious.

**62. **Constantly talk to him in business slogans.

**63. **Tell him you've set him up on a 'blind date'

**64. **Tell him his sister is a hotter guy than he is.

**65. **State loudly that his interior decorator really 'sucks' and that 'it's very cave-like in here'.

**66. **Start a conversation about Hannibal Lecter. When he says 'The Dr told me -", interrupt and say. 'The doctor _told _you. If the doctor told you to peel your face off…' and trail off.

**67. **Buy him Snoopy pajamas.

**68. **Look at a can of Chum for half an hour and say 'I'm getting the eeriest sense of déjà vu'.

**69. **Point out similarities between him and The Elephant Man.

**70. **Even stupid ones, like 'Hey… Anthony Hopkins was in both of those movies!!!

**71. **Suggest he try yoga to calm his nerves.

**72. **Ask what the R stands for in his middle name. Suggest things like Reallylikekids, or Reeksofhisownpee.

**73. **Act all excited when you see him, and say you where just 'hanging out' to see him.

**74. **Tell him leather sickens you.

**75. **Refer to Hannibal as 'Dr Sex' or 'King of Kinky'. Tell him his fetishes are bland.

**76. **Email him Lady Tourniquets list and/or review this parody-list of ways to annoy him.

**77. **Make acrostic poems about him, like...

Master

And

Supreme

Of

Nice leather jock straps

**You all heard number 76… GO! Go now! A/N – This is not a oneshot… Hannibal is next, followed by Clarice and maybe some minor characters. Ciao. LT.**


	2. Hannibal

**Ways to Annoy Hannibal Lecter**

**1. **Call him 'Stewie' (from _Family Guy_)

**2.** When he's in a game of bowls, tell him not to play with his food.

**3.** When you are playing quid pro quo, ask him if they ever did a segment on him entitled, 'When Balding Attacks'.

**4.** Say you admire his… tan.

**5.** Sing 'Man-eater' in his presence. Lots and lots of crotch thrusts and turkey basting is good. Tight white t-shirt.

**6.** Be rude in general.

**7.** Lock him up in a sauna with your beautiful self smothered in garlic paste and lie on a towel in front of him for several hours, but keep the temperature from letting you baste, but still high enough for you to emit garlic fumes in his general direction.

**8.** Play keep away with his false teeth.

**9.** Stare from him, to the Crazy Frog and back and just keep walking past his cell.

**10.** Tell him how hot and attractive you think Will Graham is.

**11.** Ask if when he was in school he had to right lines saying – "I will not eat in class".

**12.** Wear herbs and spices in place of deodorant.

**13.** Send him an invitation to be on Iron Chef.

**14.** Tell him he's no scarier than Dr. Phil. That Doctor Phil's accent would do a better job of making you wet your pants.

**15.** Hold his muzzle and click your tongue saying – "Here boy!"

**16.** On his birthday, go to McDonalds and buy him a present. Slide it through the food carrier. He picks it up and looks at it. It is marked with black marker, saying 'Enjoy your un – Happy Meal!'.

**17.** Ask him if he like hockey.

**18.** After f$ing the beejeezus out of him, roll over and say... "Meh… Paul Krendler was better."

**19.** "As was Will Graham".

**20.** "And Jack Crawford".

**21.** Tell him he doesn't scare you… in fact tell him you think he's cute.

**22.** Sniff the air, and then say "Whoa, Hannibal. Have you been eating Mexican?"

**23.** Make your eyes huge and cute, stare him up and down, and say "Aww, those white pajamas are just _darling_".

**24.** See _Hannibal _and mention his weight gain since the last film.

**25.** Send him erotic pictures of yourself lying in a bathtub of spaghetti.

**26.** Lick his hand when he's fully restrained and say 'Mmm. DAS SOME GOOOD CHICKEN.'

**27.** Say 'Err…' when you see his drawings. Then have an epiphany. 'Oh, oh my God that is amazing!!!' He smiles slightly. 'I cannot tell you how MUCH I adore Picasso remakes, Hannibal.' Grin for effect.

**28.** Make yourself a t-shirt saying – 'They haven't found _my _bodies'.

**29.** Tell him he has the least-frightening Halloween costume you've ever seen.

**30.** Asked him if he liked his 'manwich'.

**31.** Tell him you go $7.50 per hour, and that's dinner AND a show.

**32.** Ask him if when he watches you sleeping, he knows you're a cake. (Make sure there is a 'BOOM BADOOM tish!' sound effect in the background everytime you make a lame joke).

**33.** Make jokes like 'What does Hannibal call Al Gore? A square meal!' (BOOM BADOOM tish!)

**34.** Call him a _human_itarian. (BOOM BA DOOM tish!)

**35.** Ask him if a Jehovah's Witness is a free delivery or a prank call.

**36.** And if the reason he was previously in the fire service was because he was too lazy to cook.

**37.** Wear a thong as you walk past his cell. State that he can 'Floss at the same time'.

**38.** Ask him if Clarice doesn't like talking to him when he's nauseous because he brings up old girlfriends.

**39.** Ask him if Bill Gates was too rich to eat.

**40.** State that if he went on Survivor, he'd win it!

**41.** Ask in your sexiest voice, if he considers foreplay playing with your food.

**42.** Bring him a telephone book and say 'Here's the menu, sir.'

**43.** Glare at him and say 'I know how you got into medical school so young, you buttered up the teacher, didn't you?'

**44.** Take him out for a romantic candlelit dinner. He is surprised when he sees John Goodman tied to the table. When he asks 'What is this?' you reply, 'Dinner for two'.

**45.** Change the channel on his television in the asylum to MTV. When Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears appear on screen, scoff and say 'Pop tarts!'

**46.** Look on as he eats Monica Lewinsky. Say – "Gee, that went down fast".

**47.** Read him the newspaper. The front page says 'Saddam Hussein due to hang'. When he asks you if he could have a look at it, reply – 'Sure. This guy's dead_ meat_.'

**48.** Point out a bus of senior citizens and say – 'Aw, isn't that nice? Meals on wheels.

**49.** Call him by saying 'What's up, Doc?'

**50.** Call him cute little ridiculous names such as 'Hanny' or 'Nibbles'.

**51.** While taking him to a prison transfer, deliberately drive past the Pillsbury Doughboy. When he looks out the window, tell him to don't even think about it, that he might get a yeast infection.

**52.** Go and see a movie with him that he really likes. Interrupt frequently by making small talk with the characters. When he opens his mouth to retort, gag him and say, 'You're so CUTE. Now watch the movie or I'm taking you home young man!'

**53.** Point out that it's very apt he calls Clarice Starling a rube, and yet he's the one who has a sixth finger!

**54.** Read his report – and ask him why he says the wine Chianti 'kee-YANTI' if he has mastered 14 languages?

**55.** Stick a sign on his back saying 'Eat me'.

**56.** Invite the dear doctor over for Christmas dinner. As you, he and Clarice are enjoying snapping open crackers, he is chewing on the chicken (yes, there is no turkey. It got basted when you sung 'Maneater' at number 5, remember?) and he states. 'My dear, I'm sorry to complain but this chicken tastes rubbery.'

You scowl. Usually in fanfictions of any other kind the other character goes completely psycho and she and the main character end up having hot, steamy fight sex. Sort of like Mr and Mrs Smith and I can't believe I just made reference to that awful, awful movie…

But this is not the case in a Hannibal/OC fanfiction. Now you are too scared shitless to retort bravely because now there is no glass between the cannibal and your practical jokes, so you give a sly smile and say. 'Oh, does it. Gee thanks.'

He gives you a sympathetic smile, which says – It probably took you seven hours to make this you bloody hopeless cook. 'Oh my, dear. It really is rubbery.'

He spits some out and you giggle sheepishly. _Falsely, _yes, but sheepishly. He holds the round, melted piece of 'fillet' in front of your face. You giggle stupidly again. 'Oh dear, Nibbles, that's not a chicken breast, that's mine. Ohh, I must have left my falsies in the freezer to…' Look down at you pecks, '…Harden.'

**57.** Laugh when he turns magenta, or promptly faints.

**Reviews, please, do it for the children. **


	3. Clarice

**Ways to Annoy Clarice Starling**

**1. **Give her complements like 'delicious' and 'good enough to eat'.

**2. **Sing this song -

"_Clarice has a gun_

_Clarice has a gun_

_Drumgo's on the run._

_Paul Krendler's dialing 911._

_What made Clarice snaaap?_

_Was she tired of Mason's craaap?_

_They say when Clarice was arrested_

_They found Hanny headless in the traaaaash…"_

**3. **Send her a plush sheep in the mail anonymously.

**4. **Suggest improper titles for her middle name, like Clarice Maa Starling, or Clarice Man-eater Starling.

**5. **Eat lamb chops.

**6. **Drive past her house with the song 'Cotton Eye Joe' blasting from the speakers, either that or some other country hick song that reminds you of line dancing shudder.

**7. **Give her your grandpa's home address and number (Well she DOES like older men!)

**8. **Ask if she ever has been/wants to go to New Zealand.

**9. **Hum 'Bang Bang (I Shot You Down) in her presence.

**10. **After Evelda Drumgo shot her ear off, tell her you could swear to God that you've seen her before (keep looking pointedly at a photograph of Prince Charles).

**11. **Pretend you have tourettes syndrome and yell 'fellatio!' and 'sodomy!' at random intervals.

**12. **Ask her if her boyfriends' behavioral antics are 'hard to swallow'.

**13. **When she comes to work with a wound on her neck ask, 'Is that a love bite?'

**14. **Coach her in netball, and say 'Okay Clarice, get into the shooting ring, I mean shooting position… um'.

**15. **When she takes a cooking class under your… ahem, 'helpful' guidance, say 'Okay Clarice, look into the skillet'.

**16. **When everyone is congratulating her for killing Buffalo Bill, bring up the fact that she let someone more brilliant, cunning, uncatchable AND the one who helped her _catch_ a serial killer out of jail, and glower, saying 'Good one!'

**17. **Ask if the reason she is sleeping with Hannibal is because his sixth finger reminds her of her many cousins/boyfriends as a teenager.

**18. **Scream 'MARY SUE!!!'

**19. **Tell Clarice her decision not to get with Paul Krendler was a 'no brainer'.

**20. **Tell her the Gucci shoes didn't help her repulsive accent.

**21. **Call her a Rubey McRubington.

**22. **When she's holding her unloaded gun, get a friend to pop a balloon behind her back and hold your stomach with fake blood capsules, screaming in pain.

**23. **Say 'I hear that Allegra Pazzi's pretty hot!'

**24. **Stare at the sketch Hannibal drew of her and say in disbelievement… 'This is…you?!'

**25. **Say- 'Oh hey Micha, ah I mean Clarice'.

**26. **Play 'Eye of the Tiger' when she's running.

**27. **And yell 'FEMALE EMPOWERMENT'

**28. **Insist that Paul Krendler was a Playboy model and she definitely should have gone out with him.

**29. **Ask her for an autograph made out to a 'Carnivorous fan'.

**30. **Tell her that quid pro quo is soooooo last year.

**31. **Tell her drug induced love is not real love.

**32. **Force her to watch the movie (this will work)

**33. **Tell her that she's going to be fine… but the families of the people she killed won't be.

**34. **Tell her Margot Verger was hitting on her.

**35. **And that her car is a bomb.

**36. **Get your male friend (who happens to be track star athlete) to run past her and yell from the grandstand 'Testosterone: one, Clarice: zero!'

**37. **Do the slurpy thing.

**38. **Leave a picture of Hannibal in her locker, saying 'Don't let the bed bugs bite… that's my job!'

**39. **Say – 'All the better to eat you with my dear!'

**40. **Put on a sympathetic face, a comforting hand on her shoulder, and say 'My gosh, getting head must be really _really_ hard. I'm so sorry.'

**Yeah sorry, that last one was um… yeah, and I couldn't really think of anything to hilarious for Clarice, Hannibal and Mason have much more to make fun of… damn Mary Sue. Hmph! Please R and R anyway…**


	4. Paul

**How to Annoy Paul Krendler**

**1. **Tell him writing this was a no brainer.

**2. **Tell him you've seen him somewhere before, and you can't think where it was. Throw suggestions into the air, like – 'was it the killing floor of the Chesapeake abattoir?', 'I know! Work experience in the hospital', or 'senior biology!'

**3. **Say 'Oh you couldn't get country pussy if you tried!'

**4. **Raise an eyebrow. 'Paul? Is that really you? OH! My good friend Paul Krendler! What have you done to yourself?' (Look mock concerned). 'It's the hair, isn't it? You've done something with the hair!'

**5. **Walk in on Hannibal and Clarice's pash, apologize to them (as to not be eaten) and grab the tea towel off Paul's head, glaring at him. 'I was looking for that!'

**6. **Clarice asks you what to do with the body. Put on the 'Zazu' voice and say – 'He'd make a very handsome throw rug'.

**7. **Wrap your arms adoringly around Dr Lecter. When Paul says – 'why not me?' say, 'well, I guess it's a matter of taste'.

**8. **When he drinks his drugged soup, make your puppy dog eyes and look up earnestly at Hannibal. 'It was the basil, wasn't it?!'

**9. **Stick a post it note to his memo board, saying 'Paul – Sleazy Jerks Anonymous said to return their call'

**10. **When he asks what your eating (to lean over to get a nicer view of your rack), say 'sheep's brains. Something _you _should know about'.

**11. **Ask – 'If you've got shit for brains, what comes out your ass?'

**12. **When he reaches out to your arm, whimpering and struggling to stay alive after you enter his holiday house jump so he hits the floor and say. 'Oh sorry Paul, I don't speak retard. OH SNAP.'

**13. **After he dies, visit him and say – 'Tsk tsk tsk, Paul. You really weren't the _life _of that party now, were you?

**14. **Take his dead body over to the dead body of Mason Verger, and put your hands on your hips in a very satisfactorily way. State – 'Well, now, isn't that great? You two have so much in common I think your going to get along just fiiiiine!'

**15. **Take him to see 'Bee Movie' (the pirated DVD copy at your house that is) and pause when they show that Ray Liotta brand honey, laughing and snorting for ten minutes, rewind and repeat.

**16. **One day while you are driving on your way to work you realise you're late for a very important meeting so you speed up, driving right past Krendler with a radar gun. He pulls you over and you are fuming to see its him. He asks very coolly 'can I have your licence?'

You give him your brothers licence as it was his car and as you try and explain how your car wasn't working, he silence you by asking with a smirk, 'What exactly does your brother do?'

Your thinking –_what the fuck_? But you answer – 'He's a rectum stretcher.'

'He's a what?' Krendler asks, aghast.

You grin smugly. 'Yes sir, officer sir. He's a rectum stretcher. He's stretches anuses for a living.' You state brightly. He raises an eyebrow, becoming more and more curious.

'And how, does your brother do that?'

'Oh,' you continue pleasantly, 'he grabs them with his hands, and he stretches little by little until it gets wider and wider, until it's about six feet,' you grin, 'in diameter.'

'Six feet in diameter?' He asks, bewildered. 'What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?'

You grab him by his tie and pull his face against yours, and spit – 'YOU SIT HIM ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND GIVE HIM A RADAR GUN!'

**The end of this one folks. I redid and added some if you have noticed. Please review.**


	5. Barney

**Ways To Annoy Barney**

**1. **Hire a few small children to dance around him and sing – 'B-I-N-G-O and bingo was his name-o!' Then walk back to you demanding their bribe.

**2. **After the previous annoyance, look at his ass and say, 'Wait a second kids, this isn't the real Barney! You don't have a giant purple tail! IMPOSTER!' Take them away, glaring at him over your shoulder.

**3. **When he casually asks why Dr Lector didn't harm him, heave a phonebook in his general direction and yell, 'Call the Affirmative Actions Office and ask

**4. **Add 'but who cares' to everything you say to him. Like 'you were attracted to a lesbian with issues, but who cares!' Or 'Oh hey I noticed how much your character was reduced from the book, but who cares.' And finally, 'Your job bites, but who cares!'

**5. **Lie across his desk and say 'Oh nurse Barney, I think I'm coming _down _with something.'

**6. **Laugh for as long as your lung capacity allows you at the phrase 'Nurse Barney'.

**7. **For effect, Photoshop a nurse's uniform onto a picture of the giant squeegee purple dinosaur and photocopy them 10 000 times, realising them dramatically from the top of the Empire State building.

**8. **Say – 'Gosh I'm so excited about that old Hannibal Lector case being brought back to town. You know, considering they are talking to all the IMPORTANT witnesses and related people' When he asks if you were an important psychologist of officer at the time, say 'Hell no, I was the janitor!'

**9. **Walk into his work and yell 'Ah geez, Barney, you'd better get Betty and put on your shoes to get the car. I've lost Wilma again!' Promptly run out leaving him looking dumbfounded.

**10. **Raise an eyebrow when your drunk. Sling your arm around him and say – 'Hey aren't you that fat, white character out of Simpsons' Slur your words and nearly fall over. Put your head up and say 'You filthy drunk!'

**11. **Take him to bed, and make ridiculous jokes like, 'Oh Barney you're so _orderly._'

**12. **Slap him on the back and say – 'At least you're doing better than Paul Krendler.' Grin and say –'but not much.'

**Not much for Barney cause of his minor role. Reviews should not be minor. Ever. Because I am secretly in love with them. The end, by the way dear people.**


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